How to Disagree Well

Recently, I attended a seminar that talked about how to disagree well. This does not mean how to make your case. This does not mean how to allow people to step all over you either, though. This seminar helped paint the clear picture that how you chose to respond to the speaker and your presuppositions coming into the 'argument' both play a big part in how you will choose to 'argue' with the 'opponent'. Here is what I got from it: 

It's important to understand that our culture and family of origin affect why we have our beliefs, instead of just the Bible. 

-Do you want to be right, or do you want to influence and be influenced? Do you want to be right or be happy? 

-Can you see the bigger picture? There is always a greater narrative. If you can see that, you can learn to disagree well. 

-Do you value the person with whom you are interacting with? "To live well with others before God." -Vanhooser. We need to live well with people and get along as much as possible, even if you disagree. You need to value people enough to know that even if we disagree, we still love each other. 

This topic is not all about us controlling other people. There are many things that you do not have control over, and you should not work on controlling others. In order to learn that you are going to disagree well, you cannot be narcissistic or self-absorbed. In order for you to be good at disagreeing well, you need to have self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and social management. 

You need to be an active listener. You need to pay attention to what is being said and actually listen instead of preparing what to say next. Many counselors will have one person tell the story with their personal emotions attached, and ask the other person to clearly listen specifically for the emotions that the other person talks about. The problem is that the person listening did not ever think that those emotions were attached because they had already been looking for their own personal facts or arguments to justify that they are right. 

The book of Proverbs is all about how to communicate well. To actively listen you could: ask open-ended questions, request clarification, be attentive, summarize, paraphrase, reflect feelings, be attuned to feelings, and ask probing questions. 

Questions are powerful because they show humility and they show interest in the other person. DON'T ask questions like "Do you think..." because it is too closed. "What do you think about..." is a better way to word the question because it gives the other person to communicate what they are feeling about the issue. Don't be accusatory: "Are you saying...?". Instead, you should ask for clarification: "Could you make more sense?" (Don't be sarcastic). 

Be attentive. Be prepared to restate their narrative. You need to pay so well attended that you would be able to retell the story in specific details. It's also helpful to summarize what they just said. While you should be able to pay attention to all the little details they mentioned, when you are able to summarize their main ideas and main emotions, it helps them understand that they are being heard. You should be able to put their narrative in your own words. 

Be attuned to feelings. When you acknowledge their feelings you are proving that you care about the other person. Sometimes people just need someone to understand that others know how they feel and could be there to help comfort them. You should also be able to express your feelings. We need to learn how to tell stories with our emotions attached so others can relate to us as well. 

Sometimes all it takes to solve conflict and understand other people's arguments is to look from their point of view. 

1. Honesty in self-awareness. Can I be honest enough to realize that I view the world from my perspective? While I want to see life from God's perspective, I can't. 

2. Understanding another perspective. Most of what we see is the reaction to a situation. Depending on the world you grew up in, you see things differently. My past experiences, beliefs, culture, preferences, and values impact the way I chose to react to a situation.

*Until I can picture myself standing in their position and argue with the claims that they make for their position, I can't really make an argument back. I need to understand how or why you believe why you do and then I can disagree well.*

3. Empathy: Sometimes we just need to explain that we understand. We understand it's hard. We don't need to make a big deal about it.  It involves perspective taking, staying out of judgment, feeling with others (connect something in me with what is going on for them), and communicate understanding.

When showing Empathy, it is important to pay attention to what they have to say. We need to not turn the attention back to ourselves but instead focus on them and their viewpoints. Many times either the person who is trying to show empathy ends up talking about their own story or life experiences. Sometimes, especially from professional counselors, the person who is trying the empathize ends up spouting out random thoughts and ends up just sounding smart instead of actually helping. 

There are two skills that Jesus used in his teaching. Jesus asked many questions. He also told stories. 

Avoid Tribalism (you vs. me or us vs. them). Are your opinions are your way of thinking divided by choosing sides? The world needs to see the body of Christ as a church together, instead of me vs. you viewpoint. 

Avoid trying to solve unsolvable problems. 70% of the differences you have with someone is not fixable. These problems would be like if you disliked the way that someone's face is shaped or something else that is just the reality of the world and how it operates.

"I can see how you got there." Sometimes this phrase makes a big difference. Do you not have to agree with what they say, but you are able to break down a wall to prove that you do care about what they think and how they got to that thought process. 

Why are you so angry about it? Well, obviously you are in disagreement. But why are you angry? 

Final Questions: 

1. Is he/she doing the best they can? 

2. When will I give up the possibility of a different past? 

3. When will I stop collecting debts? 

4. Would I live my life again? 

If you would want to live your life again then you understand that life is a gift from God. If you do not want to live your life again, you may still need to do one of the first three questions.