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I'm NOT Perfect

I'll never have it all figured out. Every time I think my walk with God is going well or that I am doing alright, He will point out to me how I need to change to be more like the woman He wants me to be. The problem is, I have a perfect image in my head of exactly who I think I should become and who I think God wants me to be, but then I don't put in the work to make it happen (not because I am lazy but because I forget to work on it) and my idea of who God wants me to be for sure is not me. 

It was pointed out to me how well American's here. I am still freaking out about paying for college but I know the Lord will take care of me. I am living with a roof over my head- and it has airconditioning too. I have had food to eat for all of my meals today, and even some snacks too! I am blessed beyond measure with even more than the tangible things I have in my life right now. The Lord has helped me survive some situations that I could have died in. The Lord has given me amazing Christian friends, mentors, and a great Christian community. I am loved beyond measure by Him. Yet, what do I do with all of this? I keep it to myself. If there is something that happens to me where I feel like I was treated unjustly, I will lash out. (Please pray for me on this). 

Actually, on this note, I have a story that happened recently that shows how blessed I am by my Lord and Savior. Recently I have discovered I need more clothes for college. most of the clothes I own are worn, or way too formal to wear to school every day. After many people in my life including myself prayed about it for a few weeks, one of my adult friends had a bunch of clothes from one of her relatives that she was getting rid of, and I got some great clothes for free from that! Ever since that, I have been blessed little by little as people are getting rid of clothes that seem exactly what I need. Yet again, it happened about a week ago. We got two large bags of clothes and almost all of them were exactly what I needed. I am so blessed. 

Meanwhile, I need to use the gift of 'rich' that I have because I am not going hungry and I have many outfits, to benefit others. If I have so much clothes, who can I give what I don't need or especially what I don't use away to? But, if I think about it, I really could give away all of the new clothes I got because I could have managed with what I had. I could give every item of clothing except what I am wearing away. Or I could give that away, too. These things are not what I need to live. They are a blessing that I take for granted every day. 

So now I know I am blessed. But I have also recently been reminded that I am not perfect. I don't think I ever thought I was perfect, but I thought I was doing okay. I knew I messed up every day, but it seemed to mostly be about how nice I was to my family when they were not nice back, or my attitude when I would really rather be doing something else. But I have been confronted and learned it is so much more than that. I seem to care too much about myself. Maybe I do think the world revolves around me a little. So when something does not go my way, I am not happy. A lot of my struggles have been something that maybe not others could see. It has been something I have been hiding down in my heart. Everyone talks about communication and how important it is. I think I am a great communicator. I love to talk, I am a pretty good listener, and I sed words to express myself. I mean, I do run this blog!  But, I guess I do hide some of my emotions down inside. I don't tell anyone, even God, about how I felt. I did not think about how He would handle it or how He could help me handle it. Then it builds up and I seem to have a negative attitude throughout the whole day and it just cannot get better. Whenever someone points it out to me, I don't want to talk about it, though.  I now know that is what I need to do. I realize now what my problem is, but I still need to take the next steps to deal with it. See, I am still a work in progress! "He's still working on me to make me who I'm meant to be..." 

I'm a mess, but God is still working on me! 

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