Repentance

Repentance is a process. Most people think that it is something too easy or too hard to bother. I also believe that not many chose to follow all the steps, even if they understand it. But, on top of that, repentance should not be a process that is simply a checklist and then thrown away as something that is completed and all done. Repentance needs to be used for every sin, no matter how big or small. Of course, the level of repentance will often look different depending on the human "level" of the sin. For example, if you sin against the government or wrong a whole company, it will look different than if you hurt a sibling or friend. 

First off, I think it is important to understand what repentance means. Repentance, simply stated, means turn around or 180. It means that you are not planning to continue living the way you were before. So, you need to make a change. Confession is letting someone know what you did wrong. Repentance is making the extra effort to change the situation- to make right what you made wrong. This is often not easy. 

1. Repentance takes honesty 

Let's just start there. You first need to admit that you were wrong. You need to admit that you sinned against God (and man if you sinned against man). You need to stop making excuses to yourself and instead be willing to let God work on healing through you by helping you realize that you are in the wrong. 

2. Repentance takes confession.

While I just mentioned that Repentance is different from confession, confession is a step in the process of coming to true repentance. You have to admit to others that you are wrong. You have to admit to God that you were wrong. You need to open up to others instead of simply trying to hide your sin from the world. Of course, this does not mean that you should make your mistakes purposefully obvious so the whole world can see what you did wrong. You need to focus on confessing to the people that you wronged, and to the Lord. You need to take full responsibility for your actions. 

3. Repentance takes change

Once you have verbalized your confession and asked for an apology- whether they gave it or not- you need to focus on changing your action, attitude, perspective, or choices. You need to say no to the temptation that Satan will try to throw at you again. You need to learn how to grow in that area, so it is harder for the devil to attack. 

This cannot be done alone. Having a support team would help because they can be there to help realize when you are falling into temptation before you are so far gone to come back. The support team could also help you recognize sources that the devil is using to tempt you and remind you to possibly avoid such sources if at all possible. But, on top of it all, you need the Lord's help. You can ask for Him to help you say no to the temptations. Whenever they come up again, call on the Lord and he will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Just remember, even with the Lord on our side (or, should I say, with us on His side) bad things will still happen, but He has a plan to use it for our good (Romans 8:28). It takes a lot of trust. 

While, like everyone else here on earth, I have to learn repentance every day, I have found recently a specific moment where I messed up and hurt a lot of people. Through this experience, I really learned and was reminded of the practice of repentance. this specific story takes a lot of background information, which I used to use as an excuse for my actions.

My Story

This summer, while working at a Christian camp, a group of us girls decided to go out on an afternoon adventure. I was not aware of what I was fully getting myself into, because these girls were still new to me and I was not sure how they interacted outside of camp. We decided to carpool nonetheless so no matter what they went I was stuck with them.

The original plan, as far as I was aware, was to go find a photoshoot and then a nearby town. The simple photoshoot plan was changed very quickly into multiple shopping extravaganzas. I am not a shopper. In fact, if I had known what I was getting myself into I would have wanted to just stay at camp. But at this point of realization, I was already stuck in the vehicle.

The vehicle we were driving needed to be filled up with gas before we could make it on our way back, but every single place we tried to stop had an issue. The issues were like the gas pump wasn't working or the gas station itself was shut down. I was getting very frustrated and overwhelmed by what was going on because: I wanted to be back at camp and I had written down my name with the time I was planning to be back so I was planning to be back on time thus keeping my word. I was very hungry, also, but I didn't want to spend money so I was going to wait until I got the free food at camp. So, while we had to stop to see where we were and how we can make it back, I needed to free myself from being trapped in the vehicle. During my years living with my parents, I was trained to go on walks to let out my anger via a fast pace. I wanted to do so now, so I could climb back in the vehicle in just a few minutes and endure the rest of the ride home. My problem was that I did not communicate this with the girls and it was fully out of selfish intentions. So, as I stormed out of the vehicle and simply started fast walking away the girls were not aware of my actions or my emotional state completely.

I was back within a couple of minutes, but all of the girls in the vehicle were not happy about my performance or overall mood during the trip. They were concerned and confused on my actions. I had made up so many internal excuses, many of which were justifiable from a worldly perspective if they just understood what was going up inside my head at the moment. But they indeed did not,  so some explaining would have done no good. I continued the trip silent and fuming, even though I had immediately made a genuine apology honestly feeling bad for the way I treated the girls.

The problem was, my apology did not seem genuine and it did not really cover my full behavior. So, for the next week or so I actively sought out the girls and personally asked for their forgiveness for my attitude and behavior. I made a mental note and spent a ton of time talking to God about wanting to change my actions forever so I could keep the friendships I made with the girls. While I have a feeling that most of them would really like to never talk to me again, and I do not blame them, I chose to continue acting lovingly towards them and seeking to please God through my actions on all other excursions have gone on with everyone.

This experience could simply be viewed as anger issues. This could also be viewed as a personal problem. The comments I got from the girls were like “If we were not your friends, we would probably never want to talk to you or see you again.” Of course, I do not think it was that extreme, but they made it sound like I was a horrible person. I mean, I have a sinful nature, so I am. I was just, again, at the moment trying to justify my sin and make it sound okay. That is not okay. So, during that ride home, as I venting in the Notes app on my device, I realized that I was in the wrong. I had made the first step.

As I mentioned above, I took the time to confess to the girls that what I did was wrong and ask for their forgiveness. This was step 2. Before I had even asked for the apology from any of the girls, though, I had already asked it from God and asked Him to help me when the situation arises again. 

This has still been an area that I have needed growth in from that day on. I still struggle with impatience, anger, and dealing with circumstances where I have little to no control. But, the Lord has not given up on me yet. He is still there to help me figure out what I need to improve on, repent from, and change, as well as showing me how I can do that.