Why does this title feel so familiar to me? If I have not already written a blog post about this, it is probably familiar because it is a thought that seems to live rent free in my head during these years in college. I have developed so many friendships while in college. And I have lost about just as many. Most of them were just loss of contact, while others are simply because the closeness has vanished, but we are still on speaking terms. However, as I take time to process through what I want in a friendship and as I create standards for friendships, I am at a greater risk of having more personal conversations, confronting more issues in friendships, or cutting off more people.
Let me backtrack a little. I have always been a people pleaser. What that looks like in my life is that I want and expect everyone to be my best friend. I am more likely to bend over backwards agreeing with people or doing what other people expect me to do to make them like me more. I care nothing of sports, but when I am with a friend who is a fan of a specific sports team, I will totally nod along as the rant in excitement or express frustration as they spew their anger towards the teams. This has since become a problem, though, and I am fully aware of it. It is a problem that needs to stop. While in a place in life where I can isolate myself from the present distractions of spending time with friends, I can sit down and process what I want in friendships- and know that I am expected to show the same back.
Right now, as I work on losing my people-pleasing mentality, I am realizing how much of a "therapist friend" I am. While I am not opposed to helping my friends process through their emotions, and it brings me so much joy when I am able to give good guidance and see their lives improve, I am realizing how mentally taxing it can be. One thing that God has been teaching me is that the best I can do is pray and let Him handle it all. Every time I do that, though, a whole new problem gets brought to my attention and the cycle repeats.
I never thought I would be this person, but I am about ready to start every conversation with the "have you prayed about it yet" method. I don't want to be that person, if I do not have to. But I think it is something that we all need reminders of. I think it could do some good to the people in my life, if not simply for me alone. I need to remember to go to the Lord in prayer- the Lord who should be my best friend and the only One I ever seek to please. I have learned so many times how worthless it is to try to make the people around me happy. And yet I make the same mistake over and over.
In this stage of life, I also know that mentally I am wanting so much out of relationships. Recently I felt like I have given more than I have taken when it comes to emotional energy- when it comes to people who ask me how I am doing or what has been going on in my life instead of only coming to me to rant. This has happened in more cases than I can count. However, I need to remember that I have positive interactions in my life as well. Right now, I am so thankful for the good relationship I have with my family. I feel like I can talk to my parents and my siblings about anything, and they will listen and care. This has done my heart so much good.
I also understand that because I feel so mentally exhausted from my life, I am likely to be selfish in what I want in a friendship. I am likely to create standards that are unreasonable. Which, other than the full honest of this situation, is one of the reasons why I am trying to stress that the items I add to this list are things that I need to add to a friendship as well. I need to hold myself to the same standard that I hold others to.
So, here we go. As you evaluate these to see if you think you have good friends, I also encourage you to evaluate whether you are a good friend according to this list. A godly friend is...
1. Loving (Proverbs 17:17)
You would never be friends with someone that you hate. That does not make sense! So many of the passages in Proverbs that talk about friendships contrast the way that friends respond to the way that enemies interact. Proverbs 17:17 says "A friend loves at all times; a brother is born for times of adversity." When Solomon decides to compare good friendships in Proverbs, in contrast, he chooses to compare good friends to family. Just because your life gets hard, it does not mean that your brother is no longer your brother. Similarly, just because you are going through a challenging time does not mean that a friend is no longer a friend- they still need to behave like a friend in the hard times by loving at all times.
What loving friendship practically looks like is unique for every person- in both the giving and receiving of love. For those who follow love languages, this would be a good time to apply this. A good friend is able to love in a way that they know is appreciated by the one they are loving on. If you know your friend loves gifts, give them something that they would enjoy. Randomly, or on days they are not feeling the best. But, don't necessarily give them what YOU would want. You are different people, after all!
2. Sacrificial (John 15:13)
John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends". While I am not commanding you to go throw yourself in front of a friend before a bullet hits them, and I also hope that this never is a situation you find yourself in during your lifetime, what I am saying is that biblical friendships will give up themselves and their needs over the needs of their friends.
This one in particular is both challenging to grasp and convicting to hear. Remember when I said that I felt my friends were always coming to me with their problems, and no one was checking in on me? Well, I can still show qualities of a good friend without ever getting them to care about me. They might not be showing the same treatment back, but it has no impact on the type of friend that I am. However, the challenging part of this is to understand how far we need to take this. Are we supposed to drop everyone that does not show all of these traits back to us? No! We can be a good friend, even if we do not have good friends. That does not mean that we should put up with people walking all over us, either. The best suggestion in this situation, and what I was able to do with one of my friends, is simply to have this conversation with them. Bring up how you feel, maybe, but focus on the truth. And remember, you cannot do the convicting- only God can!
3. Humble (Philippians 2:3)
Humility is a characteristic of Christians that is talked about all over the 66 books we call the Bible. Humility is something that Jesus showed us so perfectly during the 33 years that he walked on this earth. And, while he was here as well as through the authors in the Bible, we are constantly reminded that this is a character trait that we are supposed to emulate Christ in.
"...rather, in humility, value others above yourselves " (Philippians 2:3b). We are told to value others above ourselves. This does not mean that we are not supposed to value ourselves at all, which is a misconception that some people have taken on. Our bodies are a temple, so they need to be treated with respect. But it does mean that in our humility we need to treat others higher than ourselves. Their needs always come before ours. That does not mean that their wants come before our needs necessarily, but it does ALWAYS mean that their wants come before our wants. Of course, it should be understood "in light of the Scripture". If someone wants to live in sin, that does not mean that you are following humility to allow them to continue living in sin. Matthew 18 very clearly tells us that we need to speak up when a brother or sister in Christ (so not even a friend, but even more for a friend) is living in sin.
The next verse in Philippians says to "not [look] to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:4). When we are showing humility, we are looking at the needs of the people around us to know what we can do to help them. We are not walking into situations seeking what others can give us.
4. Wise (Proverbs 13:20)
"Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." (Proverbs 13:20). I love this mindset as it is something that is repeated all over the Bible and especially in Proverbs. One thing that is so clear in Scripture is that the worldview and mindset of the company we spend time with will affect us so much. Scientifically, studies will say that we are like the five closest people we choose to spend our time with. So, if we surround ourselves with others who are also wise, we are setting ourselves up for success. If I was to choose to spend time with five people that needed to be discipled, while that is a good desire, it will not come to good relationships in the future. It is likely that they will all drag me down instead of allowing me to pull all five of them up.
5. Good (1 Corinthians 15:33)
1 Corinthians 15:33 simply says "Don't be misled: Bad company corrupts good character." This means that the people we choose to spend our time with often impacts our character and our worldview. As a Christian, I need to surround myself with other Christians. This is not to say that I cannot have a friendship with someone who is not a child of God, but it does mean that it puts a strain on the relationship. I need to have my guard up- I cannot trust everything that they say, because their root is not in the same source as mine is. This relates to 2 Corinthians 6: 14 where we are told that we need to be not "unequally yoked" with unbelievers. While this is typically referring to marriage situations, this is not the only case that Paul meant as he wrote that. It includes getting too close in friendships with unbelievers.
However, when looking at what I want in biblical friendships, this verse is not saying that any Christian will instantly make a good friend. Christians can still have bad character tinted by living in sin or following lies of this world. While this is something that I always need to evaluate in my own life to make sure I am not following lies of the world and that all of my truth is rooted in Scripture, I also need to surround myself with others who seek to be rooted in the Bible more than the lies of the world. I need to be with others who are always decerning what information they receive from any source other than the Bible and take it in through a biblical worldview.
6. Supporting (Proverbs 18:24)
If you received an award, got engaged, completed a milestone, etc. would your friends be excited for you? Would they cheer you on? If you were going through struggles and hardships, would your friends come by your side to help you and guide you, or would they leave you and not respond to you? A good friend is one who is supportive of you in the good times and in the bad. Even if you got something good and they did not, they could still celebrate wins with you. Biblically, we are told to "rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). Even if the emotion that we are feeling in our lives is completely different, we can still empathize with the people around us. Proverbs 18:24 says "Those with unreliable friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." This is impactful. A brother is still a brother on your good days and your bad days. A good brother is also there- he is family, so he wants to support you in everything. A godly friend would respond similarly in all situations. Again, it is important to distinguish that a biblical friend would never support someone who is living in sin. For example, if a friend had an issue with lying all of the time, a biblical friend would never back up the lying problem by supporting their false claims.
7. Confidential (Proverbs 16:28, Proverbs 11:13)
I could write a whole blog post about this one specifically. It was also a lesson that I was forced to learn over the past few years of my life, and I am so thankful that I have been able to apply it. I do not have it perfect at all, but I am so thankful for how I have grown in being able to hold my tongue. This one is a big one in most friendships simply because of how powerful the tongue is. It has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). I want my friends to know that when they tell me something that no one else will know unless they had need to. While there was a phase in my life where I requested that my friends clarified if there was something that they were telling me in confidentiality, it is now assumed that everything that anyone told me about them, and their lives is not meant to leave the conversation unless it is necessary for a good reason.
Again, a topic covered heavily in Proverbs, gossip is something that Christians are not supposed to do. I love the way that Proverbs are written out, though. They communicate to us WHY we are not supposed to follow the world in the choice that seems to come so easy to us. For example, Proverbs 11:13 reads "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret." Solomon is contrasting the life of a gossip to the life of a trustworthy person. One person cannot hold both titles at the same time. So, either you are a gossip, or you are trustworthy. I don't know about you, but the answer to which I would rather be is a no-brainer.
Similarly, we have the act of gossip compared to other ungodly choices that humans can make. "A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends." (Proverbs 16:28). A perverse person is someone who is okay with stirring up conflict, such as an instigator. A gossip is someone who is not confidential with the information shared and chooses to share part truths or full lies to whomever he or she can. Both of those character traits are ones that I do not wish to be associated with me. They are also both qualities that I would prefer to not be associated with. I know people in my life who are known as the gossips, and I naturally try to pull myself away from them as much as possible. It taints my name if I know that I am as close to them as I could be. It is hard to be known as trustworthy when you are best friends with a gossip!
8. Present (Galatians 6:2)
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ" is what Paul wrote in the book of Galatians that we have chosen to identify as in chapter 6 and verse 2. This section is titled proof that the friend is "present" because from this verse it is clear that a biblical friend is present in a friend's life even when they are going through trials and tribulations. A present friend is ready to step into their friend's life to carry the burden whenever possible. Instead of just saying "I am here for you" or "I am praying for you" a good biblical friend does what they can physically to help their friend. This ties in closely to a supporting friend. Sometimes there are tasks that need to be done- choices that need to be made to help a struggling friend. But especially when someone is dealing with grief, sometimes the best thing you can do as a friend is sit with them in silence. Physically show them you are there for them, even if no words come out of your mouth.
9. Faithful (1 Samuel 18:3-4)
The relationship- the friendship- that David and Johnathan had with each other in the Old Testament is always a good reflection of what biblical friendship looks like. While many passages talk about how the closeness of a friendship is comparable to that of a brother or sister, sometimes a friendship needs to be closer than familial relationships when the family is not making wise choices. Johnathan knew that his father, the King, was going to kill David unjustifiably. So, Johnathan did something. He stepped in an gave David a chance to escape before his life was taken. Johnathan made this choice knowing that he would not be able to see his friend as often as he used to be able to. Johnathan had to stay with his father while his friend weas on a run for his life. But what else could Johnathan do? Johnathan also stayed back knowing that he was going to be the one responsible for David's escape. When Johnathan said he was going to help David, he kept his word. He was a faithful friend.
10. Honest (Proverbs 27:6, Ephesians 4:15)
I want a friend who will come to me and speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) even if it seems hurtful at first, because it is better for me to know the truth than to hear lies that sound good to my ears but cause more danger in the future. Proverbs 27:6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kiss." The best example of this for me is when I am living in sin. For example, if I was gossiping about someone and my friend confronted me about it, I know that it is something that I need to change in my life. It is better than if I was gossiping to someone else who was not my friend, and they chose to encourage and prod me on to continue gossiping instead of changing my way. I know that honesty often hurts as the one receiving it. But the pain is something that is so necessary. Small pain at first that prevents me from much bigger pain if I did not change my life is so worth it.
11. Forgiving (Colossians 3:13)
When I think of forgiveness, I immediate think of the disciples asking Jesus how many times they need to forgive people in their lives. Jesus responses with "seventy times seven," or, in some translations, 70*70. I first heard this when I was in about second grade and, as the disciples realized, I was like "that is a BIG number". As an adult, I now know that I can fathom 490 or 4900. However, even as an adult, I know what I will not do is take out a piece of paper or create a memo in the notes app to mark a tally every single time I forgive someone. If someone was to wrong me once a day and I forgave them each time, it could take anywhere from a little over a year, to over ten years! The difference in this depending on your translation is extreme, but the point is still the same. Biblically, we are called to forgive continually.
We are also told that love does not keep records of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). So, no matter how literal you decided to take the paragraph above, it is not what we are called to do. We never should keep records of wrongs. We need to forgive without ever opening that notepad or memo on your phone to record how someone wronged you. Again, this does not mean that you should let someone push you around. We are not called to be chew toys for those who want to treat us as such. If you are always forgiving and they are not changing from their sinful choices, this is not a friendship that you should continue to place yourself in. I know it is hard, but it will be worth it in the long run instead of allowing the hurtful friend to continue abusing you.
12. Patient (Ephesians 4:2)
We are all humans. We all make mistakes. None of us are able to be perfect biblical friends to the people in our lives. We mess up daily in sin, whether it is against our friends or not. Any many times the mistakes that we make do have consequences, including losing a friendship that used to be strong. However, a good friend is able to be patient even through these challenges. They are forgiving because they understand that their friends are still humans, and because they understand that they make mistakes daily too. We know that we are commanded to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2). Patient, yes, but patient in love as well.
This verse also contains a few of the other reasons that you know you have found a true biblical friend. So, I think it is a good place to end. This is not to say that it is an all-inclusive list. But it is enough to help you understand the worth that you have according to the Bible and what you should look for in a friend as well as what you should show as a friend to others.
As you can tell, most of the references above came from the book of Proverbs. Proverbs is full of wisdom, including who we should keep in our lives and who we are not supposed to be close to. My people pleasing nature that wanted to be friends with everyone was really dangerous because we are not supposed to surround ourselves with fools and those who pull others away from Christ. While I have been saved from some horror stories because of the people that are in my life, it does not mean that all of them are worth me developing a close friendship with.
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Sources:
https://bestofchristianity.com/characteristics-of-a-good-friend-according-to-the-bible
https://www.gotquestions.org/true-friendship
https://www.bibleversespro.com/characteristics-of-a-good-friend-according-to-the-bible
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